i really like this girl i slept with last night
you ask her out again?
yeah but she said she is busy next weekend getting married
That level of neurosis does not find love outside of Grey's Anatomy.
She looked at me and said there is a 90% chance I am going to puke in the next 10 minutes. 10 minutes later she is in jack in the box throwing up. She has amazing timing.
Ha, I bet. You tipped the waitress like 10 bucks for a glass of water.
I'm going to tattoo a maze on my back for the next fucker that tries to blow early ....
i don't even know why we got arrested this time. i think the cops just like our company at this point
tell me why they applauded then the bartender locked himself in the bathroom when i walked into the bar today ????
Ever walked into a basement full of 10 guys jerking it to a live stripper? Cause I have. Always confirm the address of a house party. Always.
LinkedIn just suggested I might know the guy I caught my wife fucking.
...I'm not a booty call or a pizza...you can't just call/text and expect to be eating me in an hour..
May or may not have just put tequila in my special "kids+" orange juice fortified with vitamins a, b, c, d, e, and now t.
Why even have a ground level apt if you're not gonna let me climb out the window? I hate walk of shaming in front of toddlers...
mom how many of the songs from my childhood are mexican drinking songs?
all of them.
You tried to use him as a battering ram. I'm 99% certain that's why he left.
I just woke up drenched in beer, in a puddle of beer, and cuddling a bottle of tequila
Randomize
