Oh man I wish you'd been in the car w/ me today. I followed a school bus home filled w/ young boys and I flipped them off the entire way. They loved it.
I swear she didn't look like that last week.
nothing says happy birthday like half a tampon wrapped in someone else's hair on your shoulder.
If there was a god I would have a big mac right now, but i don't
I had to download the flashlight app so I could finish taking a dump when the power went out.
We have video of him nailing the sex doll to my wall and putting all the monopoly pieces in her nose
Just bought a McDouble with a tightly rolled dollar. The lady just gave me a sad face...
I just used my glow stick from the dance to find my way in the bathroom to puke. Who wants me on their corporate team
I've never been to a "going away to jail" cookout. do we bring a present?
Responsible roommate: 1. Someone who takes a huge shit at work so as not to clog the toilet at home.
If I have to go to the hospital, at least put my pants back on. It's been a fantastic night.
yeah well, its not like my astrogynecology class is teaching me what i need to know
im almost 90% sure there is no such thing as astrogynecology.
I was in the bathroom and I heard a phone ding inside one of the stalls. I really wanted to say, nature is calling, but I was still in my work uniform
Saying I've had more balls in my mouth than you is the last clear, coherent thing I remember.
I feel like the dump I just dropped is the most successful thing I've done so far today.
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