Who said anything about talking that was a booty call
At what point did I decide it would be a good idea to fill my contact case with vodka
everyone knows that carl winslow was the sexiest man in die hard.
so whenever I text yeah my phone automatically corrects it to yeahhhheeehhyeahyeahh .. too much party in the USA?
we're making bets on your personal life
Just so you know, I'm standing in my bra eating cereal. My keys were in the cereal box.
We ran out of wine so we are trying the absinthe you brought over from Spain like 3 years ago. Please call me at noon tomorrow. If we die, its your fault
Remind me to tell you a really funny story about me and arson.
Sometimes while peeing I'll go hands free, put my arms up by my chest and make claw hands, and pretend I'm a new type of dinosaur called Dickosaurus Rex.
Send help, water and tortillas.
Also I've come to learn that "type" and "fetish" are different things. Apologies for earlier confusion.
This dude has batman tighty whities on over his cargo pants and he has the nerve to yell "fuck you bitch" up at my window.
Normally, it will inspire me to work. Today, it's inspiring me to masturbate.
And thanks! There are perks to polyamory. And birthday orgies are one of them
So we were fooling around last night and suddenly Like A Virgin popped up on his itunes
OMG haha What did he say?
He told me that if I laughed, I would have to leave.
Randomize
