R you on birth control?
No, why?
...no reason
just cuze she's 16 doesn't mean it's illegal to add her on facebook
I bought the tickets, he brought the weed. thanks to you, we had to roll a joint out of my bible paper.
Doing "bucket stands" with buckets of margarita. Don't tell me it's not a good idea.
My neighbor just watched me eat a granola bar without pants, this is a whole new level of unemployed
I hijacked a bellboy cart and rolled into the party dancing on it
Can't decide which I like more. Telling a girl she's pregnant or telling her she has herpes. It's the little things that make medicine tolerable.
Let me be the 15% helpful, 85% useless as shit angel on your shoulder.
I walked in on him fucking my best friend. I think we've reached the point of following each other on twitter.
Is it bad that I'm tindering right now? I'm naked on his couch while he's slaving over legal documents for work. And he doesn't have cable, so what else am I supposed to do?
They found you popping and locking it alone in the parking lot
You ran out of his house yelling "I got the goods!" Then you pulled toilet paper rolls out from under your shirt.
You left me with 12 red bulls and a bottle of vodka. What did you expect?
Can you please bring the nipple sombrero up?
Just FYI: if you happen to notice a liquid of some sort on my kitchen counter with an interesting color/ texture, don't taste it
Randomize
