It's American, baby! There ain't nothin gross about America.
You got kicked out of the strip club for spilling a tall boy on the stage and when the bouncers came to take you out you told them that they should probably go clean up your pee in the back corner cause they didn't seem to notice that
Classy. Drunk on alcoholic "energy drink" at work before 8 am on a Tuesday. Between that and hanging out in bars with no pants on, your life is beginning to sound like a Bukowski novel.
From what I remember, he had one ball. But it was cute
The door opens out but somehow she managed to kick it in..
I punted my pants across my apt at my roommate last night. Everything else is kinda fuzzy.
Time to eat Mexican food til I hate myself.
That's completely alright, I do it a lot.
He called me twice and texted me at 3am. Guess absence makes the dick grow harder.
No, you made a silk sheet toga and held up a dildo calling yourself "The Statue of Puberty". People made pilgrimages from the other party down the block to see you.
YOU IS KIND. YOU IS SMART. YOU IS IMPORTANT. YOU IS CLEANING YOUR OWN VOMIT.
And for the record I didn't even have sex last night. I threw up in his toilet and slept in his bed until noon
I called you last night? What did I say??
That you love me forever and that I'm the greatest in the world now mohammed ali is dead...
Wait what do you mean I BOUGHT A FUCKING HORSE LAST NIGHT?!?!
My vibrator turned on under my pillow when I was taking a nap this morning... I nearly shit my pants.
I'm a freaking penguin. one mate for life, and really awkward at parties
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