whats up tonight?
Ice cream, wine, and teabags... Not the earl grey kind
I'm not crazy, I only keep calling you cause you won't pick up.
Ikea night.
?
Insert tab A into swedish slot B
Thanks for ditching me last night. I got a ride home from the Dominos delivery guy. You owe me 3 large pizzas.
you dialed the number "23" then talked to it for three minutes
u were so high that u chewed on candle wax for an hour
The bridesmaids just went smackdown on the floor, over the bouquet. I saw nipple. Best wedding ever
Literally just spent 45 minutes converting my paintball gun to shoot condoms....
The moment you ate chicken nuggets out of your purse you were my hero.
Where the hell did i get chicken nuggets from
You would think that me seductively unzipping my cat feetie pajamas would make him want to fuck me.
At least one of us had a weekend full of money and dick
We made out and he didn't grope me. I liked it. I felt like I was innocent again.
I just put vodka in my apple sauce. Spice up your fucking life.
Went up to some dude that hit on Laura and told him he has a voice like a grandma. Apparently didnt have muscles or kindness like grandma so can you pick me up at the ER please?
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
Randomize
