i totally forgot about the coupon that said i would show him how i pleasure myself.
I was just at the bank and there was a fat lady wearing a cape. today is gonna be awesome.
I never thought I'd hear the words "aww you pulled out" and "you're so sweet" in the same sentence.
She told me she couldnt give me head last night because she was running out of listerine
i awoke yet another morning with penis breath. ive been so generous santa has to bring me a shit ton of presents
I just got an email from a bridal website with the subject "Countdown to your Wedding Day"... is 11AM too early to drink the rest of the wine we have?
If a young child walked up to you and grabbed your penis, you'd feel violated too.
I walked in on you eating olive oil off of a plate. you gave me this look and I just started crying. we were that drunk.
It's sad that your definition of adulthood entails banging your boss after getting hammered at happy hour, and putting the tab on the company credit card.
By "met a doctor" I really mean "fucked a pre med student"
You need to stop having girl talk with the guys I'm sleeping with.
I just gave an orange Froot Loop the finger for falling on the floor instead of my mouth when I was pouring a mini box of cereal into my face.
Btw, if I didn't have 3 limbs in restraints and my free hand offing myself with the pocket rocket, I would have snap chatted you. Next time.
We had sex and then stood naked in his living room eating zucchini bread.
This is why you are going on a date. To see if he is fun or if we need to shank him in the parking lot.
Randomize
