so that wasnt chicken after all
he just flicked a booger into my mouth and shouted "goaaaal!"
at the resort hottubing with french twins, who brought champange. this should be a postcard.
He was drunk at Denny's at 5 am saying how Dear John was the worst movie he has ever seen... eyes filled with tears.
yea i thought the egg drop soup tasted weirdly like cum, and then i suddenly remembered what happened last night.
i'm never eating chinese again.
There needs to be waaaay more alcohol in my apartment if I am going to survive being unemployed
I am still STD free so as far as I am concerned I never went to panama.
A woman on my train just walked down the carriage in a wedding dress, crying and clutching a can of Carlsberg. Oh...
I told her my hands were paint brushes and her vagina was my canvas
RE-DICK-YOU-LUSSSSS
That's me emphasizing the ridiculous
In hindsight following that black guy in the ghostbusters costume was a terrible decision on everyone's part
Are you coming down for 4/20 or does Easter kinda fuck that up for you?
Just in case you blacked out, we had sex, you came in me, we need plan B, we fell off your top bunk, broke your roommates chair, i still like you, but i'm in pain and am going to bed
so in 24 hours i have gotten caught having sex in my car by a cop, almost burnt off my vag, almost got hit by a semi, and got fired. awesome.
I. Love. Skype. Sex.
I think it's just been too long since actual dick has been inside you that you only THINK you love skype sex
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