The first thing on our $10,000 damage bill was "condoms in the main drain"
Thanks for jumping on that grenade for me last night. You're the best wingman ever
She ate 7 of the 8 slices of pizza. I deserve a purple heart and sex w your sister
shes trying to light up her bowl in front of the fan. everytime it blows it out she just gives it a dirty look.
just looked at his mug shot... not really my type
Reason #57 I am going to fail the bar... it's Tuesday and i'm drunk at Toy Story 3.
trying to imitate man vs food after 12 shots doesnt mean youll get laid
It looks like the misc $300 credit card fraud might have been our taxi cab driver who wouldn't take boobs as payment. No wonder...
Found myself carrying 2 bottles of .89 euro wine about half a mile to where im staying. and someone stopped me and spoke to english. apparently, i reek of drunk american.
The cops are here to take me to jail, so I guess I have to go with them. If I'm not out by 6 p.m., there is some left-over lasagna in the fridge for you.
I just witnessed my first non cocain induced sunrise in five years.
Not my cup of tea
One of the guys I danced with wanted to give me his number so I convinced him I had a photographic memory and that I would remember it.
Thank you <3 he just looked at me, fist bumped me, and asked me what was on my titty....we may cut her off
Woke up eating a pickle on the bathroom floor this morning in some random guys sweat pants.
1 fuck you 2 fuck her 3 ur forgiven 4 im breaking up with her
What's your fascination with fucking to the Lion King Soundtrack?
Randomize
