When i light up a cigarette people look at of like i'm going to pee on their children.
We spent three hours cleaning our room this morning. It was spotless and smelling good. I come home from work tonight and she has already smoked weed in it and "accidently" spilled vodka on the floor.
There are 9 condoms on my bed either i met the greatest girl ever last night or something horrible has happened.
Absence makes the cock grow harder.
All i remember is people cheering me on to drink faster than the dog, out of the dog's bowl. I just couldn't stop.
We are going to be Siegfried and Roy for Halloween and you are going to be the tiger.
Remember how I haven't seen my step sister in like 7 years? Pretty sure I just made out with her...
I have the perfect view of a sexy blonde in yoga pants stretching from the shoulder press machine. I'll be here all night. So glad I came high.
Ur here with me in spirit. Now run free. Run free
Of course not. I'd be offended if you didn't bring my boobs into casual conversation.
Just killed a snake in my bed! And by killed I mean hit repeatedly with my fist. And by snake I mean a lump in the covers. And I pissed my pants.
My wife managed to convince me to not drink everclear by threatening to ban me from her vagina
OK BUT WHO THE FUCK FORGTS A LIVE CHICKEN IN MY HOUSE
I don't know if I'm more excited about sex or that I have an excuse to smoke a cigarette
My ex's girlfriend just invited me clubbing. Guess who won the breakup?
My FIANCE just told me he thought you were the prettiest out of all my friends YOU WHORE
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