Your face is a jimmy john
new low: just stole a ciggarette from a bum sleeping on the side of the street.
ohh what kind?
He's a good guy, we stopped by his old church.
And you didn't burst into flames?
i just did the math...im a product of my mothers birthday sex
I haven't seen him since I gave him a hand job in the hospital. I like to think I contributed to his speedy recovery.
Maybe. This hangover is made of nightmares and that thing from the Alien movies.
Although I commend your efforts to keep my penis away from her, your sister is now booty walking up my stairs. Good game though, good game.
I know everybody has skeletons in their closet but why are all of mine so slutty?
Haha. I got you. I always pay you back somehow. Do you accept all major forms of payment: cash, taco bell, and patriotic underwear?
I started crying then my dog licked his dick so yeah.. Kind of ruined the moment.
Who would've thought that Monopoly night would've ended with some girl peeing on the couch.
I'm sitting in Starbucks, waiting for direction in my life, or it to be 8 p.m. Whatever comes first.
Definitely just realized I wore a shirt that says "building leaders for Christ" to a hookup. Roll tide.
Showed up to family party blacked out and in a turkey costume. I'd say thanksgiving was a success.
Best part though was when he wanted to cuddle and I was like, I'm going to go.
Randomize
