My key broke off while I was turning the key. I can't pull the broken key out. Not only am i locked outside, so is the rest of the building.
I wasn't trying to make you feel bad, I just agreed with you that your life does suck.
Dear room mates I tried to shotgun pam in the kitchen. It is slippery. Please be careful. That is all. Love you.
Maybe it's the vicodin, but all I wanna do is hunt wild hogs.
Just woke up to the best idea ever. Vodka infused BUTTER. Take a second, and think of the possibilities.
Ya know, since we do have alot of sex with each other i figure i should wish you a happy valentines day
There is booty call etiquette, and he just isn't following it. I'm not making you breakfast, gtfo.
The whole time we were hanging out my vagina was yelling at me like its a real live penis that wants to have sex with us what are you doing
You started crawling towards a moving train. Maybe you should take it easy next time
So far I consider it a great summer because I have had to buy Plan B a total of zero times
Which one of you drunk assholes put a parental lock on my cable box last night? More importantly, what's the pin? I'm missing the UK game.
In other news: I massively over-caffeinated this morning. Everything is vibrating and I can SEE THROUGH TIME
I think it's important to not involve Bar Food in any near future decisions.
Y’all did coke off my Puff The Magic Dragon plate.😂
He tried to grab your ass, but he grabbed my hand cause I grabbed your ass first. I saved your ass..literally. Your welcome.
Randomize
