saw you walking with that piece of shit
and that piece of shit just read that
i was more sad about losing him as neighbor on fishville than as a boyfriend
Sitting at a bar next to a guy wearing sunglasses drinking a pitcher by himself and having an argument with himself over if journey is more ballin than kiss. Feel better about myself.
he called AT&T to make sure that he had insurance before he threw his cell phone into the fountain.
On the plus side I got to ride in a fire truck and I didn't have to blow anybody for it
We just ended up getting drunk and doing field sobriety tests on each for practice... No one remembers who passed.
Dude, you passed out sitting straight up AND in mid sentence last night
I'm still working on figuring out my birthday blowjob schedule. I'd love to just have all three of them get in there but I get the feeling they wouldn't like that.
You, me, naked, mistletoe, fifth of jack, gallon of lube, condoms, Cheetos, handcuffs, rope, along with no morals, inhibition or judgment. That's all I want for Christmas.
We're doing a team debriefing of Saturday night in group text right now. As 75% of the female presence at that party we saw some shit.
ANNA YOU PEED ON THE STREET. LIKE NOT EVEN SUBTLY. YA JUST SQUATTED IN THE MIDDLE OF THE HIGHWAY. And you flashed your tits to oncoming vehicles to try to get them to pick us up
He stopped me mid blowjob and asked me to take off my hat. He said it made him feel like Neil Young was going down on him.
Secrets from the porn industry: liTERALLY SHOVE A SEA SPONGE UP YOUR VAGINA GO ON DO IT
Are you drinking tequila at 1pm? ...at Disneyland?
It’s easy for me to be professional, the tough part is finding the perfect amount of bitchy undertone
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