when i woke up i was missing $380 from my bank account
damn...impressive bar tab
no i guess i bought a gasoline powered blender off ebay, i need a breathalyzer for my computer
My friend's 9-year-old son just informed me that for a cop station, you can't use a shotgun; you have to use a machine gun. Thank you, Grand Theft Auto, for single-handedly corrupting our youth.
I saved $70 from being to drunk to go out last night so I figured I could buy a new watch.
You'll be proud of me
Who did you not have sex with
Damn it...you know me too well
Soooo, if his status went from married to single and he deleted all the pictures of his kids does that mean he's up for dibbs?
So the bar isnt gonna put that broken window on my tab. appaerently they want cash
Hey, 'thunder cock' as proud as I am for you getting laid, could you put a muzzle on her? I have to be up at 5, thanks.
i found him! he's on the front porch using a bag of potting soil as a pillow. i forgot i left him there.
come back what if one of your parents walks in and im just sitting here eating a cheesesteak without you
Uh yeah. I ate a brick of cheese. Didn't even cut it. We were admiring the teeth marks I was leaving. We decided it was the negative of my mouth
He told me we shouldn't hang out because it would be weird and then snap chatted me a picture of his dick
My liver is fucking rocky. Get knocked down 7 times and gets up 8. World champ
I have a story for you. It involves waffles and getting naked with the local weatherman.
If you were to to ask if I just hid 4 shooters or Jameson it my bra and panties the anwer would be yes, yes I did
I think I'm the first girl to break a bed with a guy, without even having sex with him while doing so.
Randomize
