Drunken candy land NOW. Dont fight the urge... you want to.
i was so drunk that i ate a carrot out of her guiena pig's cage and thought it was normal
He's like the fucking Houdini of bras. Not only did I not feel him take it off I didn't find it until two days later.
you wrote "5 million dollars" in the tip line for the pizza delivery man and insisted that he deserves it
I'm not saying we can't have sex tonight, I'm just saying we have to work it around Lost.
We call it lazy sex. We just lay next to each other and help each other masturbate. that way we can both be on bottom.
Still burping lighter fluid. Totally awful.
I'm lying topless with an eye infection at the foot of my bed with a dog between my legs. With disney in the background. Its one of those 3 am moments
We established that I was in 5th grade when she was in her final year of grad school. Her daughter is also in 5th grade.
My brother slept till 4, bought a sword, got drunk and sharpened said sword. I went to corporate compliance training. Life is not fair.
I've counted 3,503 loops of fabric on my carpet so far. FUCK YOU ACID!!!
My eczema on my back is flaring up so he rubbed coconut oil on it while we were boning down. If that's not a picture of 8 years married I dunno what is.
The zoom feature on snap chat videos is the worst thing to ever happen to sexting
I'm really sorry I bit your mom last night, it was completely uncalled for.
I think there is cocaine on my toothbrush.
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