I'm so tired of dating women who lie about their age. You show up feeling like you need to follow them around with a dust pan and a broom.
he just kept going up to random asian girls and yelling at them for breaking up the beatles
I swear god or herbie drove my car home
I think I should have my paycheck direct deposited to the bar
best line ever after sex today..."wow, that was a porn-star sized load"
is it too early in the day to continue our conversation about penis shapes?
he had his head down and said he was listening for the buffalo, he had to still be drunk.
i mean i should have known that when i started taking shots with my zumba instructor i was in for a rough night...
Ok say I was sexually attracted to a patient who also happens to be in high school...on how many levels is that illegal? And will I actually hear the laws break when I fuck him
not to be a dick but do you remember the names of all your friends i made out with after we broke up?
But Monday we'll be living in a post-apocalyptic hellscape. Also, I'm going to a champagne tasting.
barely 48 hours and I've done the dirty on both of my roommates beds before they've even slept in them
Go to a building you've never been before and take a shit. It's marvelous
I don't know how to reply to him. 'I'm glad the ecstasy my friend tricked you into taking wore off'...? It just doesn't seem sincere
I woke up with a hangover and a man bun. Reached over to drink water and accidentally chugged raspberry vodka. So there's that.
Randomize
