The album was titled "Best Night Ever" until she found out she was preggers and switched it to "God Punishes Sluts"
i mean he wasn't bad looking, but i wouldn't have slept with my professor if i knew everyone would get an A
Please do NOT set off the smoke alarm when I am tied to the bed like this...
I woke up to a bag of pies and a lot of questions
I woke up at 4 am to my roomate peeing all over my clean laundry. He thought he was in the bathroom and yelled at me for being in the bathroom with him while he was peeing.
If the world ends now I want you to know I was on my favorite toilet fighting the good fight.
one of my coworkers wanted to look something up on YouTube on my tablet. I didn't know how to explain why my most recent search was "girl fucks dog."
He sent me a snapchat of himself growing a double chin. I think we're past the stage where there's any risk of us sleeping together. Ever.
The site I use to study flash cards keeps showing ads for truck companies hiring drivers. It's like the site is saying "hey, we all know there's no hope for you, just give up and Become a truck driver."
Hooked up with a girl in the dorm laundry room tonight. And got invited to go to Vegas for free. That's how today's going.
That makes 14 Xmas cards already! Middle aged people are really nice to their dealers.
Actually going to jail after your wedding is NOT part of the plan.
I woke up in a chipotle parking lot with an industrial sized box of condoms and a bag of dounut holes. I need Jesus
She shaved her vagina in my bed. Good night
What's a professional way to say get your shit in gear?
Randomize
