Just tried calling my phone on my phone because i thought i lost my phone.
you ended the night by relentlessly sucking on my hips bone and hand demanding milk. you said it was because you were a tiger
I don't know where I am but there are firefighters
he opened up his "box of magic": a crusty tube of KY jelly, three expired condoms, a fingertip vibrater, and a jar of marshmallow fluff.
If she doesnt understand your inherent need to teabag an emo chick, do you really want to be with her?
Just to clear things up. I did not walk in on him jacking off to your facebook profile.
I found them on a couch next to the sidewalk screaming at cars with a megaphone. Kevin chased the mailman with a jello shot.
He fell off a seesaw, tore half his ear off and somehow convinced the paramedic he was allowed to have a beer while being treated
Three guys came up to me at the bar and started dancing on me, while screaming "Johnson's girl." That's the last time I sleep with a freshmen.
Oh god. Just tried to hail a pizza delivery car. Awkward.
International sake day = success
i cant believe im seriously wearing his ex girlfriends underwear right now
I wore a bird inflatable and still got laid. So there's that.
Do you remember making out with the dude in the back of my cab last night?? You said his mustache tickled your tongue.
all i remember is arguing with the chick that yahoo was better than google
all you were doing was yelling YAHOOOOO in her face
so i won
Profesor just winked at me. This class might be easier than I thought
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