Do you think they could tell I was high on that conf call?
did i by any chance text you anything about feathers last night?
you mean faeutihaers?
THEY HAVE A VOMIT TROUGH.
What?
A TROUGH FOR VOMIT.
Fat girl left in a hurry. Possibly had to do with the missing bathroom door in my apartment.
That reminds me of that one time you handcuffed me to a table leg while I was reaching for the vodka.
I'm beginning to think the only reason I get laid anymore is girls are fantasizing sleeping with my dad...
Just heard the words 'Pussy Riot' on NPR...I almost crashed my car.
I just slammed another champagne, swaggered over to her, pointed across the room at the 20 y/o lacrosse player and whispered loudly, "I brought that one for YOU." I'm getting a raise.
Dude I am allergic to the candy dicks from that sex shop in Vegas. Come take me to hospital right now.
On the way out the door to work grabbed the wine glass on the floor left for the ghost of Elijah and chugged it. PASSOVER.
Yea... The gym isn't gunna happen today... When I was drunk last night I tried to prove I could front flip off the wheel cover of a semi... I fucked up my shoulder pretty bad... It was more of a roll
How did you tell her we met?
I told her that we met at the sex shop down the street, I thought it would be the most reasonable explanation.
I was on tinder the whole time I was waiting for my pregnancy test results at the doctors.
He just chose domino's over sex. ARE YOU KIDDING ME?
I tried making my own red bull with crushed up caffeine pills, bubbley water and flintstones chewable vitamins. The ER doctor sead I'm lucky to be alive.
Randomize
