I don't know how I got that girl last night. I feel like seal right now sans the scars
We had unprotected sex and she's eating life cereal for breakfast. The universe is telling me get the plan b for her
Your ass just called me, someone was yelling "awful waffle" and also, " I don't know who's hands are who's anymore"
You walked in on me taking a shit and told me to hit the bong
This is to remind you the pizza is in the dishwasher birthday boy eat it before it goes on
When I finally got there you were bleeding all over and you just kept saying over and over that the dog was your only friend at the party.
That was the first time I have seen a confused expression with a dick in the mouth
hey dude come in here and see how much of my beard i can put in my mouth!
i ordered 6 shots "to go" what did you think was going to happen!
I'm so lazy and tired i just want to cry and fall asleep in a bed of egg mcmuffins.
I managed to get through my meeting without throwing up in someone else's office, so there's that for an accomplishment today.
He has an accent when he types. I can *hear* the schnitzel. Especially when he's drunk.
so dehydrated I couldn't fill the pee cup to the right line for my drug test for school. I was like sorry it was my birthday yesterday
It's such a sad loss when a hot guy finds Jesus and grows a neckbeard
you came home and ate 12 bananas. you really didnt think mom would know you were high?
Randomize
