what do you think about when you wanna get rid of a boner?
dying kittens.
We named our party play list daddy issues
He had a number 3 tattooed on his penis. And when I asked what it meant, he said " you know like dale earnhardt, the intimidator".
after the cops left he pulled the weed out of his ass and we smoked it
Woke up this morning 8 levels higher in Call of Duty then when I started drinking... told you I was better when I was drunk.
he wanted me to put the condom on for him. I was high and couldn't figure it out.. so instead we played xbox.
On the quad today: An amish choir singing something weird, and not 30 feet away 3 girls tanning topless. Definition of diversity.
I've really got to stop smuggling half full bottles of beer out of bars in my purse.
I'll be really easy to find... I'm the naked one rolling around in cats.
Hi. This might be awkward, but I met you on saturday at about 330 am. I have to admit I don't remember your name, what we talked about, or various details of how I got home. What I do remember is that I was invested enough in getting your number to ask my cab driver for a pen to write it down since my phone was dead. So do you want to meet, soberer, some time?
Hey bro I think you got the wrong number I'm a dude
N I'm drinking this invention I call "do-it-fluid" I had a bottle of vodka that was 3/4th empty, so I put in 1/4th rum, 1/4th tequila, 1/4th whisky... it's definitely the worst idea ever..
Final Summary: could he eat a lit sparkler? Probably. Could he do it while peeing off the roof? I'll tell you when you get to the ER.
Can't trust a bar that doesn't have fireball
I was having a dream that I was swimming in a pool filled with melted chocolate but woke up to find I had poured chocolate milk all over my body
Standing naked in my kitchen making nachos. I love my youth.
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