She told me she only masterbates to Kenny Rogers songs.
OMG. What did u say?
I told her I did too.
We hit a deer, sort of a buzz kill. But it's fine.
Was just shown the photos from a professional photoshoot my aunt had for their dog...not drunk enough for this...
I'm in my boyfriends bathroom and I shit so bad, there was no toilet paper but his mom's clothes were on the floor and I wiped my butt on her underwear... now it looks like she sharted
Medicore although I woke up with the business card of a Turkish lawyer called Mufasa...
Taking shot for every red box on your worst bracket. I have 30. I might die tonight.
It's a bathroom floor kind of morning.
Nothing like running into your favorite bartender in the middle of the afternoon while stone cold sober and being told your grabbed his penis the last time you were at his bar. My bad.
I'm not sure whom I'm texting but I put you in my phone as last nights fuck budy, and I'm just curious if I left my clutch with you?
we're the same shoe size and he owns more pairs of heels than i do. this could be the beginning of a beautiful friendship
Awkward, walking to my bootycall's hotel room and run into my dad leaving his. Just nodded to each other and went on our ways
Sitting on the toilet ... Eatin pizza with one hand, petting my cat with the other. I love a sad drunken life
She's officially a Tinder poltergeist.
You can't go around chasing people and screaming JUST LET ME LOVE YOU. We're in a public place.
There is a dude with blue hair and a samurai sword and another dude dressed as Dead Pool. I daresay standard social conventions are not applicable in this environment.
We smell like vodka and hangover
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