i'm 85% sure that if you don't visit me i will do something awkward and potentially dangerous to you in your sleep involving chocolate milk and a sham-wow.
I'm not inviting you over anymore if my cat keeps ending up in the freezer...
This girl just stopped in the middle of a sentence because of my blue eyes. She said she got lost in them. I am laying pipe tonight.
Until last night, I had never actually thrown up ON a sandwich
He asked if I wanted to "hang out"
A verb which here means "do lines off my dick"
she's doing key bumps of parmesean cheese
Definitely need to find a less healthy bootycalls. All this bitch got in her fridge is feta, English muffins and wheat grass. What the fuck can I make with that???
Found 2 Coors, problem solved.
I have an epic ass bruise from a wheel tonight and I am drunk now because I decided vodka heals all wounds.
Put an egg in my coffee filter this morning. I think I am still drunk.
Also, I'm kinda hungover this morning and I need to wire money to my lawyer. So this is what adulthood feels like
"You're the only girl I haven't made out with yet" = worst pick up line ever
I'm sitting alone in a bar pretending to watch football because I don't know where the liquor store is around here and I'll be god damned I'm going to be sober on my day off.
What happened last night? I just woke up and there's like 15 mcflurry cups on the floor
You don't remember stealing them?
we woke up when the front wall of the house caught fire.
The thing about online classes is the prof can't tell this mug is full of beer.
Randomize
