Walking by Farrand Field is better than a porno right now.
i took a field sobriety test yesterday. a crowd gathered, watched me pass it and applauded. then the cops arrested me because i took a bow and fell over.
Hashbrowns don't come out your nose as easily as you would think
i don't know how the hand towel got involved, but i peed all over it
Are we hungover?
I got a lapdance from a gay guy in red uggs and spandex shorts with reindeer antlers on. And I don't remember it. Hungover does not even cover it.
there is a guy passed out on top of me and i don't know what to do. help if you're awake? was anyone anyone expecting someone? maybe he found the wrong room?
Cops on bikes. I think I can outrun them.
You tried to fight everyone, so we kept having her take her shirt off. You were sufficiently distracted...
Please tell me how I go from a guy with a coke problem to a cop. My own life doesn't even make sense to me anymore
Can I send you a picture of my penis? I feel like it looks really good right now and I need someone to share it with
Hey, you remember years ago when you told me you would give me a kidney?
When the cab driver starts laughing its a good indication of the standard of girls you are bringing home
My day in three words: secret purse cake
If they were bad they leave that night, if they were good they get a gold star, and if they were great they get invited back. Simple.
Going overboard is basically 75% of my personality
I'm a gorgeous hot mess
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