omh. i just found SHIT IN THE SHOWER! who the fuck does that? and why do i always seem to find it?
Meh. I'll learn enough German to ask her for a handjob, then I'm out
You never cease to amaze me.
bet u 5 dollars u can't guess were i woke up this morning
oh god.. jail?
better, on the catwalk of the auditorium
sometimes you just have to pull up your panties, blow a kiss to the security camera and walk out of the alley like nothing happened.
to whom it may concern. if i am dead in colleens bed it is not her fault i slept in my scarf. my dads middle name is ronald.
Gin and redbull in a wine glass. They think I'm keeping my wits with a really yellow Chardonnay. Gonna get ugly after a couple.
One of us will probably end up wearing nothing but glow/ neon body paint and a pair of water wings...
And I am in no way ashamed to say that it will most likely be me. I'm hoping for it actually.
Can cross "get fingered at a state park" off my bucket list
"Only you can prevent yeast infections."
I have a tattoo that says Yolo. You should not have been asking my advice in the first place
Your babysitter texted, wants me to pay with weed. I don't know where to get any & don't want to. Will she take cigarettes instead? Or um, cash? Like a person?
Good dick will make you do a lot of things… Great dick will make you consider buying a house.
He just showed up at my house with a giant box of Trojans and a 6-pack of Yoohoo "for a special treat afterwards". I'm in love.
It was all going good until I realized she was wearing underwear with a butt flap. Mission aborted.
Long story short I ended up getting choked out by a really hot guy in the girls bathroom at a bar last night
One day I'm going to get tired of waking up and wondering where the glow sticks on the floor came from.
Randomize
