Hey theres a creepy ass guy stalking our house.i would look alive geting in 2nite.
I just told this girl who bought a pregnancy test "good luck"
you handled that situation with as much grace as someone puking involuntarily could
But like now everytime I pee I just think... wow I had sex with him on this toilet.
I'm making tacos. Give me one good reason why we shouldn't be high while eating those tacos.
and then you started talkingabout how you wish birth control was disspensed as a candy necklace
My dream had 1 penis and 2 pizzas in it. Priorities?
Based on the grey fur I pulled from my teeth, I think her vagina has mice.
Just rolled up to a matinee showing of THE HOBBIT. At the dollar theater. Alone. In sweats. With a fifth of sunnybrook and leftover pizza in a ziplock. There's a dude here in cape with his elderly mother. I'm handling this breakup FIIIIIINE.
I may or may not already be in your hot tub when you get home. I have a key to your house and no shame.
She said to me, without hesitation, "make me an offer better than my sugar daddy and I'll go with you"
I promise not to pretend to be Jesus and take the wheel. But to my credit you shouldn't be saying that while I'm that drunk and we are in a car.
She's officially a Tinder poltergeist.
After an orgasm, I always feel the urge to sing A Whole New World from the move Aladdin and I'm not quite sure why.
I just asked Geoff what he is going to do because Hester left he said he was going to have gay sex with America.
Randomize
