I'd rather watch my mom take a shit while reading the sunday new york times than watch mama mia .
Last night I got a napkin with 4 names & numbers: Katie, Ellen, Kylie...and Brandon.
I just talked to a CEO of a fortune 500 company while pooping. I LOVE being self employed.
Convinced the bartender that I'm a congressman. Free Drinks. God bless America.
Great News, you CAN smoke bowls with a magnifying glass
The 9th floor RA wants to know why we stacked 21 cinder blocks in the shower, and I can't remember. Do you?
She tried to sit inside the drawer to my dresser and when it broke, she burst into tears calling herself fat. Too high to deal with this
No just sleep deprived. James woke me up at 7 and forced me to eat a hot pocket with him cause he " didn't want me to die".
Well he has a golden retriever set as his background so there's no way he was filming us having sex
We broke my graduation cords last night when we used them to tie each other up during sex last night
Of two things I'm absolutely sure: 1. I only took 2 hits off that joint and 2. I definitely ran over hedwig on the way home
Have you ever been anal in a bush on the Vegas strip drunk?
HANDS OFF UNTIL AFTER I DO BUTT STUFF WITH HIM.
There was already gay porn open on my laptop with a tiny carrot cake, a bottle of water, and a note saying "I love you, Sober Me."
Drunk me just hits it and quits it.
You know when you're a kid and you play at the pool until you passed out? It was like that except instead of playing it was sex.
Randomize
