good news, i'm not pregnant. bad news, i had sex with ***** last night and i think i'd rather be pregnant
I just came to the conclusion that the most depressing part of my day is when I have to put clothes on.
started to yawn and threw up hamburger helper instead. awesome night.
The house is trashed, there is porn scattered everywhere like an easter egg hunt and the blow up doll is sleeping on the couch downstairs. someone covered her up.
You know its a good sign when a girl asks who everyone is AFTER she flashes her tits to the room.
I masterbate to the thought of you. You totally aren't just a booty call.
My sister was borrowing my phone when the sext came through. She just said "wow. He's got a nice dick!" Then went on like nothing happened. Outed by a dick pic and its no big deal. Best sister ever.
My underwear said "hard to get" on the butt. He laughed when he took them off.
She's impossible to please. Other than with two fingers and a tongue.
He offered to take me to my appointment after breakfast then kind of just sat there and watched me get a papsmier. Most awkward first date ever.
I think the blind guy i flirt with on a regular basis is starting to realize he's old enough to be my father. I can't tell if he's into it or not.
I don't mean to crush your hopes and dreams but having sex IN the Stanley Cup isn't possible
Have you ever thrown up in the middle of your hair appointment? Cause I have..
I want to strut with the confidence of a pigeon.
My roommate just angrily told the cat he should have knocked, but that's not lockdown madness. They're always like that.
Randomize
