Pappa wants mamma naked
No, computers are like whores. moody bitches that cost too much and no matter how much protection you have you can still get a virus
no one is going to fuck you in a field of bunnies
Silently passing ghastly beer farts as I move around the bridal department at Tiffany's. Call it my contribution to the holiday spirit.
The bender is in full force. After 2 bloody mary's at breakfast we are now drinking vodka redbull "as a precaution" so we will stay awake for the club tonight.
There's a girl at 7-11 apologizing for her behavior and asking if she can get her shoes back.
we decided it was best to cut you off after we caught you trying to "baptize" my cat in the jungle juice
Just had a shirt made that says "I'm sorry" going to wear it every sat and sun morning for the foreseeable future
I'm Michael Phelps, Olympic Champion.
Are you just smoking weed? Cause that's not actually a Michael Phelps costume
but seriously, an anthropology paper shouldn't be hard if you're trashed, right?
So the pizza place just called me after an hour saying they don't have dough
We were fucking in the back of my truck and no joke a skunk came up and sprayed us. How am I supposed to explain this to my parents
Can you get winded from lip syncing? I don't know how Britney does it
He lured me round with the prospect of sex and then made me proofread his CV and spoon. I fucking hate this guy.
I have never been that aroused while laughing my ass off in my life
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