I'm not crazy, I only keep calling you cause you won't pick up.
i forgot how awkward it is to meet new people sober
Spent 200 bucks on a stripper for a good night hug. I give up.
He called me while he was having sex and asked if I wanted to go get mcdonalds
This guy just told me he wanted to bathe in bong water with me and then tried to lick my nipple through my bra. This could be love.
2000 dollars has been put in for bail money. Also we're signing contracts
For only eating leftover pizza for breakfast today, you sure do have a lot to vomit up...
We were Chugging coronas for the soul purpose of launching limes out of the 3rd story window, I'd say it was a good weekend
I woke up in a trash can. Please dude. I don't know what I did to you last night, but I'm sorry. Epically sorry. Please call me back. Please.
Just got cockblocked by my GF's wedding shower... That's a first. And I have to buy a gift.
They used the ice bucket from their room to drink beer from and called it the "Holy Grail"
I CAN FEEL MY HEART BEATING MY WHOLE BODY
No. DON'T DO IT. Friends don't let friends fuck clowns.
No no this isn't that fun. I'm alone drinking wine and me and the dogs ran out of things to talk about around 9 am.
I want you to know. From the bottom of my heart, that you are a great friend, a beautiful person, and one of my favorite people in this world. But if you ever send me that many messages again at 4am I swear to God, I will push you in from of a fast running rhino
Randomize
