The only thing I want to hear out of a girl's mouth tonight is, "slurp".
update: the house isnt on fire anymore, but he is still pissing on all your stuff.
the house was on fire??
shit I thought I told you.
so, i drunkenly called my religious roomie because i was lost and told her if she couldn't come find me, jesus would condemn her to hell for not leading me to the light .. too much?
Just took a closer look at the paper that kid wrote me his number on. It was an ATM receipt. His balance is $17.89. i made the right choice.
SEE! I KNEW I HAD A LONG-TERM REASON FOR BEING A SLUT!
he turned down sex AND sandwiches. who the hell does that?!
I walked home with an awkward asain couple. There was a language barrier but I think we're friends now.
Yeah. I had to take off my shirt. It's soaked in weakness.
I just took two shots of Burnerts out of a ladle. Get here now.
Well. I guess talking about me stealing your wife may not be in the list of legit conversations
I got slapped by a drag queen and bitten on the arm by either a random girl or a weird mouth shaped dog. Tough to tell without seeing the teeth
I wish I was there to have sex with you on the plane to lessen your anxiety.
That's the nicest thing anyone has over said to you.
Turns out the bartender I fucked is the bar owner. WHY THE FUCK DO I PAY FOR HALF MY DRINKS? IS SEX NOT TIP ENOUGH?
It's not even 8 pm, or Saint Patrick's Day, and Kevin is drunk on my roof humping the air
he was peeing off the deck shouting "urinals are for pussies" that's how much hurricane.
Randomize
