I don't know where I am but the food in the fridge is awesome.
the police officer looked at my vomit and told me "milk was a bad choice"
omg i can't drink anymore.. i just pulled up my dress and started playing with my vagina
if i get the "i'm engaged" text one more time, i'm going to shoot myself in the face so my cats won't eat it when i die alone.
Dont have access to internet. masturbating to shake weight commercial.
party gras won. party gras always wins.
Well, it was good.. One step forward for my vaj.. One giant leap backwards for my integrity.
I can hear my parents having sex. I REPEAT. I CAN HEAR MY PARENTS HAVING SEX! THIS IS NOT A DRILL!
Your mom is 55 and has MS. To be honest, I'm proud of her, and you should be too, bitch.
I dont know but I had two different hospital bands and half a pie when i woke up.
Got a 72 hour restraining order. Can we meet monday? Let me know!
Killing two birds with one stone tonight: mastrabation meditation. Win win.
And besides a nice relationship, I just really want to get laid damnit
Did you fill my inhaler with tequila?
Yeah, so?
I woke up completely naked in a mint condition 71 chevelle in someones garage. What.
Parade of Dicks...that's what I'm calling 2017
Randomize
