thought so. i woke up and he was playing with my eyeliner. I MAKE GREAT CHOICES.
you know you're not getting laid when you start breaking awkward silences with quotes from Robot Chicken
Let's just say there's a reason that "suede" rhymes with "laid".
just cut a line with my blood donor card...i feel like it will help remind me that i was once a productive member of society.
It had been so long since my last time that it was easily a double helping of stomach pancakes. I think she was mildly impressed.
words cant express how excited I am to make January 1st our own personal version of The Hangover
just saw an anti-abortion rally outside of the courthouse...so naturally i tossed them out a coat hanger i found in my car
I could literally track my booty calls if I ever got knocked up by my parking tickets
What the fuck am I going to do with a pinata full of tampons?
What do you mean you don't want me to steal the manikin do you have any idea how expensive inflatable dolls are I can't get that for your birthday
We peed together in a dark alley while holding hands. That is a bond that can never be broken.
man sorry about that. It's like god was willing me to be an asshole. I haven't filled my quota for the day
You ran up a $300 bar bill on his card and he didn't have you arrested, be grateful and move on.
MY DINNER LAST NIGHT CONSISTED OF SEMEN AND A PROTEIN SHAKE... MY TRAINER WOULD BE PROUD I DIDN'T HAVE CARBS!
My life is far to together for someone who's such a hot mess inside
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