STOP CALLING ME LADY CHLAMYDIA
i think i have weasels eating my brain. Also there is a skeleton staring at me from the back of the bathroom door. it's an awkward vomit. come find me please
I can't wait for you to see these terrible photos I'm about to have taken with some stripper looking girls. I don't know what this photographer is thinking
Traded my phone for pizza, then got it back this morning....successful night
It's like a toaster oven for my penis
Just so you know, classy bitches change the morning after in a CVS bathroom.
My heart is swelling with pride right now. I fucking love you.
So both cops helped talk her into coming back into the bar and doing a shot with me. The main argument being, "a bar is no place to be sober!"
im on the hungover til tuesday pabst blue ribbon diet
I just had to kick out lesbian wedding crashers. They literally wanted to punch me. I threatened to call the cops so they went outside and smoked a joint.
I love how when they see that I'm upset their initial response is to offer me ecstasy
Her boyfriend offered to buy me a vibrator. I'm not sure how to feel about that.
I am at a cat party and I just witnessed people lapping vodka out of a bowl for a contest. Lol
"Here let me wipe my uterus off your dick" was probably the most unsexy thing said after period sex. I should get an award
i don't want him to see me in a bathing suit.
hasn't he seen you naked?
well yeah, but it's different in a bathing suit.
You do realize last night you asked me if shampoo had an expiration date then cried for 15 mins when I told you it did
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