I've blown a few things in my day
Fact: Godrick looks like David Archuleta
Is it bad that your cum tickles when I swallow it?
your dad just showed up on the golfcart with a keg. i. love. our. neighborhood.
All I could understand from his text was "hatchet" "soccer" & "bitch". its safe to say andy has had enough to drink & will be violent soon
Some lady old enough to be our mom took us home, made me eggs and he still got some. Where do I claim my best wingman/sister trophy?
Hey, what did you end up doing with those ski goggles?
Anything is possible. I didn't even know I was wearing the toilet cover as a hat
Had a crazy moment last night. Had to get up, run to bathroom, pop 3 Xanax, sit on bathroom floor and rock myself in fetal position. Not my best moment.
I'm making a quesadilla and including it in the picture because that's the only way I think I can send her dick pics.
You tried to get the Waffle House waitress to put a candle in your cheesy hash browns.
We are trying to penis chicken awkward them out. But I think it's a gay wedding. Backfiring. Heavily.
Oh dear God, they have a song about Mom...
The guy in the room next to me just offered to hide the next dose of morphine he will get for his broken leg under his tongue and then swap it with me in exchange for a roll of the good toilet paper my parent brought for me last they visited. The psych ward is a lot more hardcore than I thought.
On a scale of 1 to hungover I’m definitely throwing up at the office today.
You asked him if he would have sex with you under the dinosaur. He declined and then you started crying, blaming the sand.
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