Don't threaten to terrorize my ass hole unless you have to wherewithal to back it up
Hello rock bottom. My name is Jared. Nice to meet you.
which gay bar do you need a ride home from?
I have a running excel spreadsheet detailing the number of shots in a night and subsequent ability to masturbate
when i was ordering pizza, the guy muffled the phone but i could clearly hear him say "its that drunk bitch again"
You promised me a handle of vodka if I took home her ugly friend. Thanks to law class I took for the 2nd time I know that's a unilateral contract asshole
Can we just focus for a minute on the fact that I HAD MY FIRST LESBIAN ENCOUNTER.
Right. How rude of me to inform you that you're going to be an aunt.
I have no idea what that means but I'm googling things just so I can watch my thumbs move
lost her for two hours. she was banging a russian guy in her car in the parking lot. he told her she was majestic.
Yep. My memoirs will be called "A Slore Worth Mentioning"
As I was puking, these 2 guys started peeing next to me chanting me on
I re-seduced my fuck buddy...must be the luck of the Irish!
I didn't know how to commemorate his death, so I snorted a fat line off of his obituary. Rest in peace.
Omg my orgasm just made the fucking sun come out. Clearly my libido controls the weather now.
from across the room i saw you look into your beer and whisper "i love you"
Stop trying to mix nacho cheese and sex. Guys don’t want hot cheese near their junk. Pick a better fetish
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