I just found out the guys at work had a bet as to who could sleep with me before i move away.
Who won?
All of them.
Bubblewrap condoms. We can steal Ziplock's new slogan. Protection you can hear.
If she doesnt understand your inherent need to teabag an emo chick, do you really want to be with her?
i just had to use the keg as a stool to reach the margarita maker. i'm such a problem solver.
don't ever tell me how terrible your next walk of shame is until you run into your little brother on his way to class.
Hickey on my chest, threw out my elbow and now walking out my shame.
Youre getting too old for this
I had 5 long islands and 2 alien brain hemorrhages…I am entirely certain that the "power hour to finish the night" idea was just too much.
As if right now I am a humanitarian. Full story to come in the morning. It involves sex.
Don't mind me. My boyfriend is carrying me because I'm broken not because I'm drunk.
It's not even 9:30 yet..
listen. he fixes things. buys me drinks and sticks his penis in my vagina. age means nothing at this low point in my life.
You need to somehow incorporate the phrase "these hoes ain't loyal" into your best man speech.
Mind if I sleep with your cousin? If I can... thanks. If no, sorry its gonna happen.
So that guy from plenty of fish has a lightning bolt tattooed on his face. I kinda feel like I HAVE to sleep with him now.
MASS TEXT: Next weekend I will be in town for St. Patty's day. There will be a bonfire and liqour olympics. We will have booze but in order to participate it is byob. Upon arrival everyone will be asked to sign a waiver. I am not responsible for liver failure, death, loss of clothing or memory, bites, scratches, hickies, pregnancies, or any other for of injury you may obtain while participating. There will be ridiculous amounts of green glitter, be prepared to puke it up. ALSO WEAR SOMETHING GREEN OR YOU WILL BE PENALIZED!! AUTOMATIC 5 SHOTS. HAPPY GAMING!!!
He was about to go in...and he fell off the bed. Ruined mood!
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