I'm at some bar in brklyn... just made out with a guy named Owen.
He is a pre-school teacher... just sang me a song about weather.
so i'm just gonna leave my credit card in your mailbox so you can bail me outta jail.. deal?
woke up this morning with a pool of champagne in my purse. apparently i was saving it for later.
you wanted the guy to gift wrap the condoms
He got about halfway through singing "Drift Away" before he passed out and broke my coffee table.
In lieu of flowers, please donate to The Hungover Children's Fund in my name.
Hey is there a picture of me in a trash can on your phone?
Not sure if it's my shorts, hat, shoes, hair or soul but one of the above just got me drunk again from the glorious aroma of Keystone Light.
I'm watching my cat lick a used condom wrapper on my nightstand and I'm too hungover to move and do anything about it. Tequila Tuesdays can not be a thing.
I punched some guy in the face for being an asshole then later I went to say sorry and give him a hug and he started making out with me. How was your new years?
And the night ended with some random dude pissing on a car in a vain attempt to find a proper bathroom. We, the drunk, salute you, sir!
We're taking a shot every time Landon Donovan takes a shot. It's clever, sort of.
There was a comma in between her and dick. I was calling you a dick. Jesus.
Sorry for trying to baptize you last night
You knew the entire thing in Latin I was so impressed
Just once I'd like to go out and not have to tell you to put your pants back on.
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