i'm drinking out of my 'black like my president' mug
Riding home in a carseat. Worst. Night. Ever.
I am unfriending an ex-one night stand because his profile picture is of his wife's ultrasound.
Mom just apologized for her lack of a gag reflex not being genetic.
i drunkenly decided i was going to take down all the male cheerleaders, gay or not. 1 down about 10 more to go.
You told them to let you give him stitches claiming you were a certified nurse because you've taken plant biology classes
My wedding band has saved me from at least four cases of herpes tonight.
Walmart at night is scary enough without having to run into people you've slept with
I think they're German
Just say lederhosen and see what happens
We need to go back to the barter system so I can sell my body and just be done with it.
I woke up in my own bed clutching a key to a Ramada in another state.
Hey, I'm probably about to be arrested but I didn't want to wake you. But it would be cool of you to get the $500.00 I have in the box I keep my "medicine" in and come bail me out. Also I figured you would be amused at the thought of me fending off brutal prison rape tonight.
He saved you from those guys at the club, took you home, and made you breakfast. If this isn't your come to Jesus moment IDK what is.
You took off your shirt and pulled out a bottle of cherry uv and a slushee. That's when I knew you came to party
If you need me I'll be in the hospital involving super glue and fake eyelashes.
Randomize
