OMG I just tried to text you something dirty but accidentally texted the obama campaign
You are still hot in my book. I wanna dry hump u like a 9th grader then hump for real when the herpes is gone.
Ana's brother is visiting for the wknd. He came back to our place last night drunk to find me passed out naked it in the shower with the water still running. I was still drunk. We decided it was a good idea to have sex and sleep on the bathroom floor. Woke up this morning spooning and using my towel as a pillow.
I just feel like Im gonna be remembered as that one RA guy that used to sell weed
Just invented taco cereal.
this is you don't wonder off at 3 am with no pants on. Just stay there and pray to god you don't get arrested for being on school property.
Ok, Jen and I are going out tonight and getting rowdy. I think you and Steph need to come. I understand if you can't, but not going out means you're automatically obligated to post bail. If necessary.
took adderall before wrapping presents, ended up making paper snowflakes for two hours
I'm going as either a recovering alcoholic, or as a guy who came to the party straight from work. Too literal?
WHY ARE THERE NO BLACK EMOJIS? I CAN NEVER PROPERLY IDENTIFY MYSELF.
He said I act like a cross between a kindergartener and a high 70 year old man. Which is inacurate because it fails to account for the disco obsession.
I threw up in my closet when I was hammered last night. Like a fucking toddler. I can't play with the grow ups.
I know you're asleep, but I just had a motherfucking epiphany.
I am the fucking FIFTH wheel. How do you think it's going?
Idk why more people don't drink at work ... i mean, yeah, the cash might be off tonight, but my customer service is fucking phenomenal right now
Randomize
