i just saw a man pushing two thirtys of beers in a stroller while his little kid ran to keep up. father of the year
i ran around the party telling everyone that my favorite sexual position was also the only position that made me queef...i kept calling it the "double edged sword"
He told me he wouldn't do any drunk sluts but me. I guess that's sort of a compliment...?
Woke up next to my bed in a pile of skittles, sleeping on a pair of sweatpants. I can't believe the girl didn't stick around..
The maid moved your bed and found almost 40 used condoms and wrappers. She just looks at me and says "Dave?"
I'm 25 and I shit my bed last night. And I'm telling you about it. Not sure which is worse
god, I have more takeout restaurants in my contacts than friends
My CPA just snapchatted me a picture of her playing beer pong at a picnic. Time to do my own taxes?
I need to buy fuckboy repellant for whenever I think it's a good idea to meet boys I found in tinder
I am harder than a fucking diamond and Michael Bolton is playing. Your move.
I'm not well. Although it could be worse.
My cousin is so hungover she quit her job.
he's a mother fucking interior design major!! we boned and fell asleep and now we're laying in bed discussing what color i should paint my room. i'm marrying him
so i was about to call you for your birthday but then i started making out with this guy... and i feel bad but i felt like you'd understand
i think i puked but i couldve been a dream and i may have madeout with a 20 something guy infront of my managers...also possible dream.
He was literally screaming at me for using the same knife to scoop the peanut butter and the jelly.
Randomize
