when I'm not with you everything just looks like crayon scribble
I can't tonight. I'm still nursing a beach sex injury. Don't wanna talk about it.
come home now. i got a twizzler tangled in my hair again
We walked in and they were fucking to Somewhere Over the Rainbow... I need a new roommate.
What kind of person begs for a BJ from someone who just got their wisdom teeth out?
Took it a bit far last night. While leaving his house, I sent myself a text that said, 'you're still pretty"
its not like she's the last girl on the planet with symmetrical breasts and great skin
Completely smashed, masturbating to the view of the ocean. Family vacations are more tolerable than I thought
I heard that clinking noise from behind me and I already knew you were whipping out a Smirnoff in class. Again.
This is going to be the time I got green body paint on Chris' ceiling all over again...
Also, can next Friday be Long Underwear Friday instead of Jockstrap Friday? Because I'm about to cough up a testicle.
My mom and sister were over. When my drunk roommate came home, he yelled "GOT BITCHES IN MY CONDO"
you called me drunk last night to talk about summoning sex demons with magic WTF
I may or may not have tried to give myself a lobotomy
try to milk me bitch
Randomize
