you ate skittles off the table like a hungry hungry hippo. it was awesome.
what do people who dont have blackberrys do while they poop?
there needs to be a build-a-bong store...
We have sex, then he cooks. It's like a fantasy.
you're just mad because in the hogwarts world I'm Harry and you're Ron. get over it.
Spent the entire ride home from downtown trying to convince designated dawgs to drop us off at waffle house instead of our apartment. i told them it was my house...they didn't buy it.
My parents called me out on catching us walking home from the bar in a swimming motion because "it was too windy to walk" home...
I guess I fell on the bar and kept trying to get back in telling the bouncer that I left my teeth at the bar. Woke up this morning with chipped tooth
bringing my vibrator into the shower with me. if I don't text back in 30 minutes I have electrocuted myself and died.
May the force be with you.
Well I can't be held accountable to know every which time you slid a finger here or slid a finger there. I'm way too busy getting close to climaxing to document these things.
I'm about to turn myself in when I'm less hungover.
Because bro, I don't want your dick being touched mid conversation.
I just typed "I've got a friend" and my phone autocompletes to "that's a dick appointment". What is my life.
let me just take this time to thank you again for buying pudding.
I'm, like, this 🤏🏼 close to buying crocs
And you're also 🤏🏼 to never putting your dick inside me again
Randomize
