Dude this girl just said she'd take me to pleasure town while giving me head
Will Ferrell is probably jerking himself off somewhere wishing he was you
apparently smacking a customer in the face with his iPhone was not part of the WOW factor we learned in training...
Draw a picture of yourself puking and peeing on her and give it to her with a note that sys this could be your future if you be my friend
I just met the 30 percent of the population with an STD
In a tragic sexting typo, I typed the word "blobjob". Now she's coming over and I have no idea what I'm in for...
So instead of getting the if-you-hurt-my-little-girl-youre-dead talk, i got the alcohol-is-our-friend talk, i like her dad already
Is puking blood really that bad of a sign? Can we pretend this is okay?
It's okay.
Worst ten minutes of my life, it's was like trying to put a marshmallow in a piggy bank....
Woke up with your brother in my bed...where do you want me to return him?
Got my parents to pick me up from the party, take me to the bar and buy all my drinks, then drop me off at my booty calls house.
You peed on a pole and declared to a cop that it was your pole and yelled at him to not even look at it, and then yelled at all of us for looking at it.
Because I'm sitting in a bath of my own wisdom and drowning my sorrows in coconut rum
literally took my pants off in the middle of bourbon last night without taking off my heels im a super human i guess
Where is Holly?
Nevermind. i can hear her having sex two doors down
I just want to feed you taquitos and play with your boner and live happily ever after
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