dude. I'm so drunk.
pete, this is bryce's mom
I can't wait to have my cock in your ass
pete, this is still bryce's mom
guy in front of me on the bus did 12 yrs, hes teling me about how to knife fight
I've been alternating between telling people I was mauled by a bear or hit by a car to explain the massive unexplainable bruise on my leg. Slightly more worried now that the car idea is believable.
Let's learn from last year: Leave the handcuffs at home on St Patrick's Day.
He referred to his penis as "a gentle giant" and said I had offended it
I figured out why her friends always say g is for god when she leaves with someone. She wears a double g cup bra
I can't turn off my feet"
I may have had sex with him and told him we wasn't worth my time then went home and made mashed potatoes
I bet, I woke up to you like naked at 4 in the morning shoving a sandwich in your face
So like, boobs.
are you really going to start every conversation like that?
My girlfriend is talking to my ex-boyfriend at the bar right now. I REPEAT, GIRLFRIEND IS TALKING TO EX BOYFRIEND RIGHT NOW. GET ME THE FUCK OUT OF THIS PLAACE
No, gay couples have the same problems straight ones do; I wish that we could go back to the days when he would shit with the door closed.
This bowl is so big, I just said out loud, "I'm going to die here" as I blew smoke out the cat door. Merry fucking Christmas.
Don't get into any trouble on your trip
The only foreseeable trouble would be pregnancy, but I gotta be sterile otherwise I'm beating some pretty fucking incredible odds
Bug bite on my vagina. I think we need to stop this 'sex in awesome places campaign.'
Randomize
