If you really hate me that much, you need to stop letting me put my penis inside of you. It sends the wrong message.
I'm not going to blow you while you look at fish on the internet.
We need to talk about our relationship.
I just won a bet involving 10 tequila shots. You've got about 3 minutes
I have never made a good decision in that bathroom...
I'm just saying, asking "Are you happy with me?" during a handjob is simply unfair and scientifically inadmissiable.
He said bow chicka bow wow. I never thought being sexually degraded would be such a turn on.
I'm auditing financial statements and ur growing weed this is bullshit how did this happen to me
you were crying saying "if you love me you will find me a loaf of bread"
Waiting to interview and found a beer in my purse from last night
Can I write your parents a thank-you note for your huge dick?
Does it qualify as sexting if you're both pretending to be fictional characters?
I'm not sure whether to be proud of you or weirded out.
Needs to be more caveman. "Me kill roommate. You watch. Then sex time with our genitals."
Today's hangover is probably top 3 of all time. Just threw up in an envelope. I'm on the ferry and didn't want to get out to puke over the side because I thought I might fall in the river.
Just when I thought I was growing up, I go out and TOTALLY REDEEM MYSELF
Listen, I booty called my boss last night from the company phone. I may need to brush up my resume.
Randomize
