my "about me" section on Facebook should read "hell-bound alcoholic who wants to fuck a 40-year-old crackhead"
my house keeper must think I'm a prostitute.
In a tragic sexting typo, I typed the word "blobjob". Now she's coming over and I have no idea what I'm in for...
we have to top last new years. except im not ready for jail. that can wait a couple years
I had to explain to my dentist that my tooth was chipped because we designated my mouth as the official way to open beer. I feel like our level of partying is no longer socially acceptable.
If I come in tomorrow with a cane and a seeing eye dog it's because I just mixed up my salicylic acid acne stuff with my eye makeup remover
I found her in my pantry with her shirt off twerking...I tapped her on the shoulder and she said she was giving Chef Boyardee a show and to give her a minute...
You hit a new plane of existence as we all watched in awe
You couldn't even walk but you came into the kitchen with the funnel and begged me to put beer in it
They were out of soap so you started calling yourself a dirty bitch
Also mom is not happy about me telling her how much i want the women sprinters on the Olympics to beat me up
MAGGIE IS ON MY COUCH PETTING AN HONEST TO CHRIST ARMADILLO AND SOBBING INTO HOT CHOCHOLATE. WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU DO TO HER.
Wow I really just sharted up in this Kroger
he asked me why I let you steal the gnome, and you jumped out of the bathroom, yelled "you know why!" and ran outside with said gnome
Are you rolling a joint while doing homework?
No, I am rolling a joint with my homework.
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