ill give you a foot job if you come over before 4
no, no I am DEF NOT pregnant. typo. sorry, wanted to talk about us...
he sat in the bathtub shirtless yelling in gibberish for 40 minutes. funniest. stoner. ever.
She brought an overnight bag to my party. Might as well have shown up wearing only a thong and a bottle of whip cream in her hand.
She was giving me a handjob while I was wearing a sombrero with a beer in one hand and a hammer in the other.
She gives me Chlamydia and somehow I'm still the asshole
deryk tried to steal your screen door and i think sam and brent are duct taping lauren to the diving board.
I'm doing laundry from this weekend.. That poor shirt I wore to the rave smells like a dead animal that rolled in weed and pain..
The school security guard knows my name.... I think I'm missing some memories...
"Little drunk?" Honey you were "livetweeting" Sublime's "Sublime" album while it was playing in his car, and at one point you said you hoped they play Santeria. "Little drunk" doesn't cover it.
Of the two of us, which one has licked a drag queen's tit in the past 5 days?
Have a glass of wine with dinner they said. Your hydrocodone has worn off they said... NOPE
I crawled to the bathroom this morning there were cornpops scattered on the floor? What was I doing last night?
OMG I DIDNT READ THAT TEXT CAREFULLY CAUSE I'M ON THE DEVILS LETTUCE & I THREATENED TO PUNCH A CHILD OMG I'M SO SORRY
Want to have dinner and we can talk about how my vagina can make you feel better?
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