someone took a shit in my car last night and left $5 on the seat...
I want a gay best friend. or apple sauce either one is fine with me
Just found a shot glass and plan b in my backpack...
Im guessing the shot glass is for plan c?
I am drunk at a castle and it isn't even 3. Europe is amazing.
Don't worry. I told him just because you've gargled some balls in the past doesn't mean you'll be handling his.
I really wanted that to be shared. Thank you.
There's jack Daniels coming out of my eyes instead of tears.
Sorry blacked out and lost my phone. Judging by the looks of my body I fought a cat and fell into a bush.
You want to complain about your sex life to me? Right now mine consists of trying to masturbate lightly enough not to wake her up with bed shakes. Go. Fuck. Yourself.
"She's seriously grinding on him while whispering into his ear, 'take me to McDonald's.'"
When I am this hungover I become increasingly grateful for having my own private office
Remind me to tell you all about the topless girl on the street who attempted to taze me.
Don't go to jail over some guy named Bunky
This is my second month of college and all I've learned is how to get a guy to go down on me without asking out loud and not to chase everclear with Smirnoff ice.
Essential life skills
as i was trying not to drunkingly fall off her toliet, i noticed her socks laying there. i quickly grabbed them, ran upstairs, and excitingly asked her if she had gotten them at sams club. she replied with, "...those are your socks."
Apparently I drunkenly told him I was going to ride him to the rodeo and break him like a bronco, then I stole his nachos and beer. Adulting is hard!!!
Randomize
