Just saw a policeman use his lights to go through a red light only to turn them off and go to Sonic...
just found out there is no tactful way to ask your girlfriend to wax her stache. no matter what a google search would have you believe.
Learn some fucking English or leave me alone! "Your" is for something that belongs to you, like 'your herpes'. And "you're" is a contraction for "you are", like "you're not sleeping with me".
Dancing like a fucking crazy person to jai ho with a snow ball in her hand. Snow days make her go nuts.
The more I throw up, the more I am remembering exactly what I drank last night...in order.
If you can't do the LSAT hung over. You can't do the LSAT. That's the real practice.
I hate him. I fucked every one of his friends AND his fat brother and he still won't break up with me.
I took it upon myself to take one shot of tequila to have an excuse for hitting on my not-single coworker. It worked.
You kept trying to make cocktails with my protein powder last night...
She drunkenly dropped her ranch for her pizza. She tried to clean it up with her hands off the street then realized it didn't work and started licking her fingers.
i knew my hormones were back to normal when i went to ikea and didn't want to fuck any of the workers
I threw up in my backpack last night, but at least it wasn't in the pizza box again
drunk boyfriend and drunk me are NOT meant for each other
I just found an old slice of LIME in my wallet?????????
Next thing I know her tits are out on my desk. It was straight out of a porno. What was I supposed to do I’m not made of stone
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